


holding on and letting go

by apocalypsepoet



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Captain Cobra - Freeform, Captain Cobra Swan, Captain Swan - Freeform, F/M, Family Feels, Happy ending though, Heartbreak, Sadness, Swan Believer, i cried a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6329146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apocalypsepoet/pseuds/apocalypsepoet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma should have just let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	holding on and letting go

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from the song Holding On and Letting Go by Ross Copperman bc feelings  
> this is the second piece I've written for captain swan and I didn't know I could write genres other than fluff but this is def not fluff lmao this is a very light spec for 5x15 since I haven't seen the last few eps ok  
> #trash

"Why bring me back, if I should just move on?" 

Emma's heart shattered all over again like glass falling from a window pane. Killian's words sliced through her veins and her blood ran cold. Liam stood behind him and nodded slightly; he didn't see how Emma was good for his baby brother. She turned him into a dark one against his wishes, ultimately putting him here in the first place. She told herself not to cry, that she had been selfish for far too long and she needed to let him choose, but a lone tear escaped from her eye so she walked away before he could see her fall apart. She had already known, deep down, that he would want to stay with Liam; to move on, to finally be at peace. She knew, but she had to try. She had to try to get him to come back to her. She had to see if she would finally be someone's first choice. Once again, she was wrong.

Emma wandered for a while until she found herself in the living room of the underworld version of their house. _Her_ house. She took a brief look around the room and spotted the mug he drank from not four hours prior and her walls _crumbled_. She grabbed his mug and chucked it across the room; shattering from the impact of the wall. Emma made her way through the home Killian had picked out for them—for their future together. So much for that. She threw the baby toys through the windows and smashed the chairs against the walls and tore the paintings down and ripped them apart with knives from the kitchen. Afterwards, content with the utter descruction of the last shreds of Killian, her eyes raw and tired, Emma fell to the floor and held her breath. Maybe if she died here, now, she could move on with Killian. Spend the rest of eternity with him by her side. No one would mind; her parents had the baby, they had Regina. They didn't need her.

"Mom?" 

_Henry_. Henry needed her. She was Henry's first choice. Fresh tears sprang to her eyes and she exhaled slowly. She heard his quiet footfalls move about the house until they stilled by the archway to the kitchen where she lay amongst glass and splinters.

"Mom, are you okay?" He knelt beside her and she slowly opened her eyes. She was met with his concerned gaze. "Where's Killian?”

"He doesn't want to come home," she whispered.

"What? Why?" She felt the overwhelming sense of grief wash over her son.

"I have to let him go, Henry,” Emma struggled to just form those words. “He wants to be at peace. He wants to move on. I have to let him go. We have to." Henry shook his head.

"No," he cried. "No, he can't do that. That’s not fair! We need him, mom. You need him. I need him." She sat up and tugged Henry to her. The jagged pieces of her heart that littered her chest dissipated to dust. Henry needed Killian. Henry needed a father. He already lost Neal; and now the man who taught him how to sail and navigate stars and how to cheat at chess and dice when french fries and onion rings were on the line was leaving him too. Henry didn't deserve this pain. She didn't think her soul could hurt this much. She ran her fingers through his hair soothingly.

"Hey, it's alright," she hiccuped. "We'll be okay. I chose too many things for him. He needs to do this. For himself.” 

"Why is he giving up on us?” he murmured into Emma’s shoulder.

"Oh, Henry. He loves us," she sighs. Henry scoffs through silent tears. "He does. But he's tired of fighting. Tired of losing. He wants to be at peace with Liam," she said. "We have to let him go." Henry reluctantly huffed in agreement.

* * *

 

Tears once again flowed freely down her face as she watched him move further and further away from her. Henry took her hand and squeezed tightly; too afraid, too sad, too lost without Killian there to ease his mother’s suffering and ruffle his hair. Emma forced the need to yell ‘ _come back to me’_ down her throat and she shook like the last dead leaf on a tree—the icy breeze made her fingers lock up and sent a shiver down her spine. Killian and Liam were almost there, the river of souls just below their heavy boots. 

Henry pulled his mom close as a cry escaped her lips. Fresh tears spilt over Henry's face and when Liam looked back at them with an apologetic look in his eyes, Henry bravely nodded his head. Liam tried to make sure they would be okay. And they will be. Eventually. It may take years and years, but time will heal his mother's broken heart. It will heal his. Because it has to. This is what Killian wanted. He doesn't want to be with them, but that's alright. Emma has already chosen so many things for him; it wasn't fair to him. He deserves to be completely happy wherever he ends up. But the only thing that ran through her mind was the fact that he didn't choose her. The one person who chose her over anything, over _everything_ , was choosing to leave her. She's always the second choice. She doesn't deserve love and happiness because she's selfish for wanting it.

She collapsed to the ground with the weight of the realization that the man who so selflessly chose _her_ over and over again was moving on because she was selfish. Because she was terrified to lose him. But by saving his life, she lost him, in the end. All the loss and pain and the thought of losing him again was just too much and she wanted to run to him and jump into the river while clutching his hand in hers but she couldn’t leave her son without his mother and, and _Killian_. 

He had come to mean so much to Henry that she couldn't even imagine how her son felt as he held her close so she pulled him to her chest and cradled his head and whispered comforting words that aren't comforting at all and he knew it and she knew it but it's all she could do to help ease both of their grief.

She saw Killian take a deep breath by the shrug of his shoulders and she thought, ‘ _this is it, he's gone, he's left forever_ ’  but she was _wrong._  She was so very wrong. He turned to Liam and she thought he said something but he was too far away from her when Killian abruptly grabbed Liam's arm and his eyes were blown open and he shook just like her. Just like her son wrapped in her arms. When he released Liam's arm after a few frightening moments, Killian looked down at the swirling souls beneath them, took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. Liam inhaled loudly and muttered something through a bright smile and took a few tentative steps toward the river.

He was almost there but Killian stopped him. "Wait," she heard him say so she looked up and their eyes met. He stared at her with anguish in his wide eyes and the sea of souls cast a golden light on his scarred face and she saw the war being fought behind his eyelids. Emma sat on the cold ground of the Underworld and she gazed at Killian Jones; brave, selfless, breathtaking Killian Jones, who just wished to move on to the next life peacefully with his long lost brother and she was _holding him back_.

It took every ounce of courage in her but she shook her head in encouragement from where she sat with Henry in her lap and a watery smile graced her lips and the words ' _I love you,_ ' fell from them and she hoped that that was enough for him to turn back to his brother. Instead, she watched as he reached for Liam and pulled him into a tight embrace. The brothers Jones held each other for quite a while, weeping quietly and then Liam pulled away to look at his little brother and smiled through the tears leaving trails down his face. Killian responded with a smile just as bright and Liam nodded his head in Emma and Henry's direction.

That's when Killian ran. 

He ran to the woman who had stolen his heart so long ago and never gave it back but in return she held hers out for him; a fair trade. He ran to the boy who reminded him so much of himself and who always looked up at him with such mischief and joy in his eyes and he ran until he was right there in front of them and he drew in a huge breath and fell to his knees.

Emma didn’t hope; she told herself that he needed to hold them one last time. That he needed one last memory of just the three of them, together. So she didn’t expect his words to ease her aching soul and heal her broken heart all at once.

"I have unfinished business with you two, that doesn't involve being here," he motioned to their surroundings. He smiled gently. "Take me home, Swan."

That's all it took for Henry to shout and let go of his mom and grab onto Killian like a lifeline while Emma just stared at him with glassy eyes. Killian hugged Henry just as fiercely.

"I'm sorry lad," he whispered to Henry over and over, cradling his head, not once breaking away from Emma's terrified gaze. “I’m so, so sorry.”

"Killian," Emma released a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, and his name on her lips was like coming up for air after drowning in the sea for so long that she had no idea what to do or say. ”We'll be okay,” she managed to choke out. “You gotta do this for you. You deserve to be free and at peace and," her voice broke. "Happy."

He shook his head. "I can't," Killian began, and he’s trembling and so is Henry in his arms. "I can't leave you. _Either_ of you. I tried. I almost did. I almost went with him. But I just," she saw a tortured look flash through his eyes and he struggled to speak. "I couldn’t,” his eyes filled with nothing but pure love then as he looked between her and her son. “I couldn’t leave you. I didn’t want to.” He found her eyes again and smiled and whispered _'I love you, too'_ and held out his hand for her.

Emma released a sob she had been keeping in her chest and threw her arms around the broken and tired man whom she loves so truly and deeply and she smiled and laughed and kissed every inch of his face, erasing all his pain and replacing it with love. 

"I chose you a long time ago, Emma Swan, and the consequences of that decision," he whispered, and Henry laughed.

* * *

 

The three of them clung to each other as they saw Liam off to his next life. He hugged his little brother, and kissed Emma's cheek. "Take care of him," he said, earning him a playful whack on the shoulder from Killian.

"I will. I promise," she replied, squeezing his hand. Liam hugged Henry last, whispering tales of pirates and true loves and Dreamshade and using the stars to guide ships home and Henry smiled.

"It was good to meet you, uncle Liam," Henry winked as a tear fell down his cheek, as Killian sucked in a breath and held Emma close, laying his head in the crook of her neck, as Emma tugged Henry to her side. They waved goodbye as Liam smiled before he turned around and walked toward the river, fading away as he was engulfed in the golden light. Killian whimpered on Emma's shoulder and she found herself wiping at her eyes again. The three turned and began to make their way back to the rest of the group to try and map out an escape plan. Henry stopped suddenly, yanking Emma and Killian to a halt and the pair turned to him; his eyes wide and excited.

"We use the stars to guide us," he mumbled. Killian stared at him with red rimmed eyes, a devious smirk made its way to his mouth and he responded by ruffling Henry's hair which made him smile softly. Emma’s mended heart soared.

"Then let's go home."


End file.
